I was a little girl alone in my little world 

who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, 

and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, 

and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through 

woods grown behind the park, 

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, 

God answered in silent reverie. 

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. 

I don't know what's left to say 

about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well, 

there's many tales I've lived to tell. 

I'm ready now, I'm ready now, 

I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

i'd take a bullet for you.

lessons.

a friend faced a near death accident, drinking & driving over a girl. and it made think.

***

i've always been the strongest believer in love. the most adamant about giving it all in relationships. the most accommodating devotee to my other half. and that got me no where.  i gave it all only to lose it all. and i didn't learn from any of those painful lessons, till today.

you can't love someone without loving yourself more. it's like saving yourself in a plane crash - you put on the oxygen mask first, then you help your loved one with it. it's like diving - you have your primary oxygen   breather, and the secondary alternate device to save your partner. it's like dancing - you stabilize yourself before you do a pas de deux lift.

so what happens then, if you can't find a way to love yourself more than the person you love. what do we do when we're stuck in reverse, being the endearing support for our lover, helping them unconditionally to move on in life, while we slowly get left behind unknowingly. what happens when his or her needs become more important than mine; when his or her feelings matter more over mine; when his or her life becomes the only thing we live for.

happiness was what i thought i earned from all that belief of love is above all things. turns out, i was wrong.

apparently, you have to hold back, you have to build barriers to protect your mind and soul, you have to play it hard to get, you have to know the game and play it right, you have to control and not let it all go, and you have to stop believing that someday you will find someone who will love you like you love them.

i learnt, i applied.

thing is, i'm not as happy as i was before. and i don't know if i could ever be that happy again.

***

so that friend of mine, broken and bruised, inside and out, asked me..."what would i have done?"

i replied... "you know, back then, i would have drank, driven, called psychotically, cried hysterically... but i would have at least made it to her doorstep to tell her that she is worth going crazy for."


i love you. and i will always love you. happy valentines day.