15 days of summer.

"One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun
Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 1.2

"For you and I are past our dancing days"
"O! she doth teach the torches to burn bright"
"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!
For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 1.5

I've been led on
To think that we've been
Trying for too long.
Every time we drift
We're forcing what is wrong.
At last that voice is gone.

Please take your time
But you've got to know that
I am taking sight.
Oh, you look good
with your patient face and wandering eye
Don't hold this war inside.

Come back when you can.
Let go, you'll understand.
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.
So come back when you can.

You left your home
You're so far from
Everything you know
Your big dream is
Crashing down and out your door.
Wake up and dream once more.

Come back when you can.
Let go, you'll understand.
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.
So come back when you can.

Come back, I'll help you stand.
Let go and hold my hand.
If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less.
So come back when you can

i know the answer. but i'm just afraid to face it.
it's been 6 years. and i'm back to square one.

it's like as if, i never learnt anything.

faces.

i have 3.

face 1 - leader, choreographer, senior and mentor to those whom i've earned their respect.
face 2 - devoted, loving, giving, girly baby princess of a girlfriend to my other half.
face 3 - depressed, confused, attention seeking bitch.

if you could love me for all 3 faces. then you love me for real.

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

This music's irresistible

Your voice makes my skin crawl

Innocent and pure

I guess you heard it all before

Mister Inaccessible

Will this ever change

One thing that remains the same

You're still a picture in a frame

Lost in this world

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

I get lost in this world

I get lost in your eyes

And when the lights go down

That's where I'll be found

I get lost in this world

I get lost in your eyes

And when the lights go down

Am I the only one

live to dance

7 years of dancing  and choreographing for KR has come to an end with a huge bang. it is way too hard to give up dancing, even harder letting go of the people that have entered my life and my heart in such unforgettable moments. aside from all my shouting, screaming, whining, and incessant spurts of vulgarities...i'm really just a girl who needs a shoulder to lean on when im tired, who wants someone to hold my hand behind the wings, who lives to dance, and deep down every movement on stage brings tears to my eyes. i'm so glad i never gave up.. and i hope that my dance journey has not ended yet.

Please give me a lifetime of performances. 

I was a little girl alone in my little world 

who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, 

and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, 

and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest swing.

I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through 

woods grown behind the park, 

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me, 

God answered in silent reverie. 

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream

That I could fly from the highest tree.

I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. 

I don't know what's left to say 

about this life I'm willing to leave.

I lived it full and I lived it well, 

there's many tales I've lived to tell. 

I'm ready now, I'm ready now, 

I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

i'd take a bullet for you.

lessons.

a friend faced a near death accident, drinking & driving over a girl. and it made think.

***

i've always been the strongest believer in love. the most adamant about giving it all in relationships. the most accommodating devotee to my other half. and that got me no where.  i gave it all only to lose it all. and i didn't learn from any of those painful lessons, till today.

you can't love someone without loving yourself more. it's like saving yourself in a plane crash - you put on the oxygen mask first, then you help your loved one with it. it's like diving - you have your primary oxygen   breather, and the secondary alternate device to save your partner. it's like dancing - you stabilize yourself before you do a pas de deux lift.

so what happens then, if you can't find a way to love yourself more than the person you love. what do we do when we're stuck in reverse, being the endearing support for our lover, helping them unconditionally to move on in life, while we slowly get left behind unknowingly. what happens when his or her needs become more important than mine; when his or her feelings matter more over mine; when his or her life becomes the only thing we live for.

happiness was what i thought i earned from all that belief of love is above all things. turns out, i was wrong.

apparently, you have to hold back, you have to build barriers to protect your mind and soul, you have to play it hard to get, you have to know the game and play it right, you have to control and not let it all go, and you have to stop believing that someday you will find someone who will love you like you love them.

i learnt, i applied.

thing is, i'm not as happy as i was before. and i don't know if i could ever be that happy again.

***

so that friend of mine, broken and bruised, inside and out, asked me..."what would i have done?"

i replied... "you know, back then, i would have drank, driven, called psychotically, cried hysterically... but i would have at least made it to her doorstep to tell her that she is worth going crazy for."


i love you. and i will always love you. happy valentines day.

I HAVE NO FRIENDS.

people who hang out with me only do because:
1. i have hot friends they wanna know
2. i am too damn nice and friendly
3. they wanna use my contacts or talents
4. i don't know how to say no

how i know this?:
1. im always the one calling people out
2. nobody calls me out unless they need me
3. the first thing they ask me is "eh who's your friend"
4. they refer to me "ask step la she will help one"

FML TTM. WAKE UP CALL.

time to hibernate and disappe

change

its been ages since i last blogged. only because i have been too sick, and too busy. short and simply, i shall try to incorporate the highs and lows that have been going on recently.

1. finally going to Japan - i've decided that i would really like to live there.
2. falling sick with Pneumonia at Zoukout - and being in hospital for 5 days in isolation after.
3. staying at MBS & eating the dinner buffet - once a month minimum.
4. having my alcohol tolerance be at its peak - then falling back to ground zero.
5. cherishing my real, true friends - and letting the rest go.

and now after some reflecting and much chitchat with people in my life... i just have to say... change happens, it happens. and whether in a good or bad way, it is really too subjective. whether it is to one's advantage or disadvantage, it cannot be swayed or faulted. there is no one to blame, no expectations to be met, and nothing to be done once change takes place.

we have all done stuff in our lives we may completely regret, yet we cannot take it back. all we can do is ask for forgiveness every day till it doesn't matter any longer whether the forgiveness comes, or till it does. and even then, things will never be the same again. 

i lost some lovely people this year, those whom i thought would remain in my life forever. for once, i firmly believe that i was never wrong, and they had to be let go. it is sad, how it felt to always be the one going all out to meet them halfway. how it felt to be the one that brought them together, only to be neglected and left behind almost too suddenly. for all that has happened, i find it impossible to forgive and forget. i find it impossible to ever be myself with them ever again. so i wished them well, and removed myself from their lives.

so now i see something similar happening to another one of my lovely people. and i am stuck in the middle, and it sucks big time because i know i have taken a side, but i cannot give up on the other. all i can hope for, is that they are more big hearted than i was, and that forgiveness will come some day, and that this passion we share together will keep us moving forward, together, even with change.

if you truly love someone, if you truly care like you say you do. then it doesn't matter good or bad, when change comes, you deal with it, and accept it as best as you can.

with that, i pray for only these for the new year - forgiveness, acceptance, and more love, more love.